Paradoxical: we are many species of self

You know, I really don’t want to be one to focus on the negative as my first choice, or out of any kind of preference at all. This morning I read a report on a Canadian research on BBC, and scary but true I actually understand what they’re on about. I especially relate to this:

(The researchers) found that, paradoxically, those with low self-esteem were in a better mood when they were allowed to have negative thoughts than when they were asked to focus exclusively on affirmative thoughts.

This is what they were more at ease with. Thinking affirmative thoughts was an alien concept to them, or simply seemed wrong, didn’t make any sense. The research showed that building confidence for those who need it, instead of just repeating positive mantras, was the key to feeling better. The reason: people relate to things in real life, things that have happened to them or been said to them, their own experiences. If it’s negative, a positive mantra isn’t going to change that.

Read the article for a more in-depth view of what it’s all about.

I bring this up now bc I have started yet another group therapy thing, bc my very fabulous psychiatrist says it’s the best thing for me. Of course I am hoping to attend for 6 mths or so and be perfectly fine after that. Imagine my shock when the people I met in group said they’d been there for years, and years!! On the upside, they all seemed perfectly fine. They are there to maintain their fine-ness, and also bc BiPolar, depression and other such things doesn’t go away, you get your ultra highs and lows and have to keep ‘em in check throughout your life. So that’s why (some) people choose this method, continual group therapy, to do so.

I went there last Tuesday and it was both a negative and positive experience. I was overwhelmed in a nice way by the wave of empathy which hit me as I entered, and which I felt for the people there, and at the same time I was exhausted even before we started bc I am so sick of talking about and tackling problems related to sickness.

When you are dieting and exercising, to give an example, you see your own progress along the way. When you, or I, when I am working to master this illness of mine, noticing the progress is very hard, very tricky. It’s not as visible, you have to look for it within. And in my reactions to things and such like, so it’s kinda outwardly as well, but still, it’s not as visible as physical change.

And I am sick of it!

My psychiatrist said it was common with people who go through lots of therapy, to get literally sick and tired of it, and to become so involved (bc you have to or else it’s no use) that nothing else penetrates your life. That is what I am sick of. There’s not much balance in my life when I have to focus on this stupid sickness, and balance is what I yearn for.

And when I am really sick of things I tend to revert to the me I have known for most of my life, the one who has lived with the illness and pushed through, managed as much as possible to lead a productive and fun life while repressing the illness but never learning to control it. Smiling through the tears, so to speak. For cheese! :)

And this person is ‘happier’ when thinking negative thoughts, as it were, bc that’s my home turf, those are logical thoughts (or so I tell myself) based on real-life experiences. These thoughts ground me, or cement me!, in my reality. It’s a reality check, a way to tell myself where/what/when/who/why I am, what I am worth, what I can expect from people and why, etc, based on experience. I have found that I need this grounding, this check, bc there is so much tumult, noise and confusion in my head, that without it I’d be even worse off, not know what was up or down, not know where to go. Or would I?

You see, an undesirable part of BiPolar (not that any of it is desirable, except how darn persistent and strong it’s made me:)) is that the thoughts I use to ground myself aren’t (all that) logical, bc part and parcel of this illness is screwed up perception (of most things, on a bad day) based on low or no self-esteem or awareness of self-worth, as well as paranoia …

Thinking outside the box and outside my comfort zone, which unfortunately is tainted by sickness, is what I wanna do, and am able to do often. Yay:) But when exasperated and sick of it all, reverting back is easier, despite the unhappiness and hardship it brings. Weird, eh? But scientifially proven to be the case for other than just me, so there! :)

Now, off on a tangent, a related tangent, though.

A friend showed me the below quote. Note to self: read the entire book. I wonder if everyone relates to this as much as I do? I remember speaking to house mates at college who were devastated feeling like they’d lost themselves when after a psychology class they discovered they react differently to different people and situations, and are therefore ‘many species of people’. They were desperately wondering which one was their true self. I understand their contemplations, but I actually think the below says it all, clears up the confusion. Go with this joyfully:)

Each of us is several, is many, is a profusion of selves. So that the self who disdains his surroundings is not the same as the self who suffers or takes joy in them. In the vast colony of our being there are many species of people who think and feel in different ways.

Fernando Pessoa, O Livro do Desassossego